anonymusings….

~from the january archives~

aaahh yes!!!! circa 1990-2000: the emergence of the angry.white.bitch!!!! some of my fondest (and most painful) memories are housed within this era. music has always been a major influence in my life. i find myself often losing myself in the lyrics and rhythms of songs. and i always found songs that mirrored past or present situations…

from alanis morisette posing naked in the fetal position inside her jacket cover to alicia silverstone bungee jumping and shooting a bird at a trifling lover in the aerosmith video…my god…i LOVED these angry white bitches…and i could definitely relate.

every word that alanis wrote in her album, “jagged little pill” , spoke directly to my soul. “you oughta know” told a tale of a lover’s unkept promise to stay forever, “perfect” reminded me of the little girl i used to be that thought that if she were flawless she’d win the love of her father, “head over feet” reminded me of the time that i fell in love in spite of myself, and “your house” reminded me of the time with that same lover that i found a letter written by a woman that wasn’t me. but the track i played over and over again…so much that it still skips in 2006 is “you learn” …and i have. i’ve lived and i’ve learned…

….thanks to my girl jewel. awwww, yeah! who remembers jewel? i certainly do. “these foolish games” STILL has the ability to make me cry on the spot. when she wrote that her lover was “fashionably sensitive, but too cool to care” it was like she yanked my thoughts directly from my brain and created a #1 single. i loved that CD…

…but not as much as i loved my bitch PINK. that’s my best friend forever bitch….like super bitch…

….like the bitch that i aspired to be. both “can’t take me home” and “misundaztood” were inspirational to me. “split personality” described me to a T so much that it still gives me chills. during that time period in my life, i cultivated this super bitch, untouchable persona while secretly yearning to be swept off of my feet and loved unconditionally by the man of my dreams.

when i first started dating amani, i remember wanting him to hear “stop falling” . sometimes i still want to tell him to stop falling in love with me because i feel as though i’ve lived a lifetime in a few short years and i’m afraid that my heart is irreparably damaged. i even recently referred back to pink in my “hiccups” entry. even though the man of my dreams has finally arrived, sometimes it’s hard for me to accept him sweeping me off of my feet. but i’m working on that…because i believe in him…and i believe in us.

see, the problem with being a bitch 24/7 is that although you seem infallible to people on the outside, it’s a lonely existence. i’m glad that i’ve finally processed my pain and moved on. like alanis, i’m smiling more now too. like pink, i plan on getting married sometime soon and looking forward to looking like a girly-girl.

but i every now and then, i still play my angry white bitch CD’s and i reminisce. they (and that angry black bitch that I used to be) are a part of the blueprint of my soul.

edit 6.13.06: i just HAD to edit to say that i’m reviewing kelly clarkston’s “breakaway”cd and i have officially added her to my list of awb cd’s that i love. i have always purposely snubbed and ignored anything related to american idol (my way of sticking it to the man) , but damn if her cd isn’t in true awb form. YOU.GO.GIRL!!!