anonymusings….

EDIT: 9/9/06
I just decided to re-post this entry from March because I have been struggling lately w/ drinking again. Not like I did in high school (thank God) but more than what’s usual for me. So, as of Monday I have pledged to cut alcohol out of my way of life and this post is just to remind me of where I’ve been…and where I don’t want to ever be again…

ME: um… i don’t want you to think that i have a problem or anything…
HIM: why? because you drink…at night…by yourself?

hello, my name is anonymuse…and i am was an alcoholic…

i took my first drink when i was 10 years old. my stepsister (who turned out to be my biological sister, but that’s a whole ‘nother blog entry) and i were left alone at my dad’s house while he and my stepmom went on a date.

we were bored out of our minds and decided to some “exploring”. amazing what a couple of kids will find when they’re not really looking for anything. we found my dad’s porn (can we talk about how bootleg 80’s porn is? ) and the key to the likka cabinet (cha-ching).

now, i could say that my sister who was eleven months older and fast (like old folks say) coerced me into taking my first sip of what i believe was vodka…but i’d be lying. i was the one who poured a cup full of what smelled like paint thinner for her , one for me and challenged her to see who could drink it the fastest. straight…no chaser…we both immediately passed out.

when we woke up, we had a ball, giggling, dancing and acting a fool. the taste was horrible, but the aftereffects were great. for a while, i actually looked forward to my court mandated visitations at my dad’s house-cause i knew that he wouldn’t be there, but i’d have access to whatever was available.

fast forward to high school. at 15, i became a backup dancer for a platinum selling r&b group. for my 16th birthday, one of the group member’s gifts to me was a flask. i loved it. i carried it underneath my huge, and horribly bright colored cross color outfits. i had it with me during each class…at extracurricular activities…even when i took the sat.

i never developed a taste for alcohol…just the silly after effects. during those times, i could laugh joke and shed my normally serious exterior. straight-no chaser. most people would look at me in shock when i never mixed my drinks with anything-no OJ, no coke, no juice-just straight to the point.

then college came and i quit. maybe it was because my roommates didn’t drink (well, back then…lol). maybe it was because by the time most people were experimenting with their first taste of freedom, i’d already lived a lifetime. even now when most people my age have a signature drink or drink socially for kicks, i’d much rather have a ginger ale.

don’t get me wrong-i still like a little henny and sprite every now and then (EDIT: now NAVAN is my anti-drug 9/9/06) . and i will occasionally sip on “hunch punch” with amani. but i just don’t have the need to drink or be drunk anymore.

still, i find myself drinking wine at night, by myself (lol) lately-not the entire bottle, but a glass or two. the most amazing thing is me-a person who used to win drinking contests with football players-gets a little tipsy after just one glass.

the hostess did a post a couple of days ago about gateways and i thought about how my grandfather was an alcoholic and about how my mom refuses to drink because she knew that alcoholism can be genetic.

although the dialogue at the beginning of this entry was a conversation that i was jokingly having with someone, when i think back on how easily my life could have taken a different direction-i pause…and thank God.