i was so heated i forgot to give this a title
there’s something that’s been bothering me for a while. i started off writing this in my private journal, but then figured whatthehell lemme blog about it since i haven’t blogged in a minute. it’s something that i try not to verbalize too often because i try to remain positive - you know…numyahonrenge ~B~ and all of that, but there are times when something rubs me the wrong way and i have to vent.
ok, so i’ve been getting back involved in my civic organizations - grad chapter sorority committees, the usual black atlanta social/public service groups like i used to and it’s been going pretty well. seeing old, familiar faces…getting back into the swing of being back out in the community feeling like i’m making a difference - so forth and so on.
so i get an e-mail from one of my sorors who’s on a committee with me asking to help organize an event for battered women. let me preface this by saying, anyone who’s read my blog knows that i come from a household where my father was abusive and it was only a few years ago that i myself was in a physically abusive relationship. i make it a point to make my face visible even now at the shelter in which i lived in for a short time while hiding from my dad back when i was a child. so this cause is one that’s near and dear to me…
…but what got me is when my soror was talking about how we should do this in light of the juanita bynum situation. earlier this afternoon, i was talking to the custodian that cleans my office and we had a long conversation about the juanita incident. i think that women all over having been having similar conversations via e-mail, over the phone (mama beloved called me at midnight the other night), thru e-groups and even on the blogs. we, for the most part, are appalled and disgusted by the events. some of us want to take action…do something to bring this issue to the forefront…especially in our churches where things like this are covered by a veil of silence.
now, i have my own personal feelings about ms. juanita…i mean - i went through my own nomorecomfortersinthemeantimepleaseholdmymulewhileimbeingloosed period, so i get it…. i’ve watched her grow…and change (some say for the better…some have different opinions…i’ll remain neutral for the purposes of this post) over the years. my heart went out to her and still does while she’s going through this public humiliation. but my mind keeps traveling away from her - and not to that punkassed man dude that stomped her either - but to the men in our community.
where are their voices? are they talking about this as much as we are? ‘cause i damn sure don’t hear it. in fact, i rarely ever hear them speaking up on domestic abuse situations unless it’s something that specifically affects one of their own family members. why aren’t they holding each other accountable? i was heated when i heard that ol’ boy addressed his congregation on sunday talking about the devil made him do it. the deacons should have had his ass strung up on the cross out in the back of the church - not posting up in the pulpit like it’s all good! his requisite bow tie wasn’t even crooked!!!
and why should my sorority sponsor something in light of this fiasco? where the hell are the bruhs? in fact, i asked my homeboy today (complicated melody/the voice for those of y’all who used to read the old blog) about their call to arms. he’s a former basileus and national rep and even he got tongue tied. if he can get all denzel in “man on fire” if something happens to me or his sister why can’t he and his folks be just as incensed when it happens to any woman?
matter of fact, where are our friendly neighborhood picture-posing reverends to snatch up one of their own when we need them? al? jesse? hell, louis???? the spirit of martin and malcolm?? what about our mega-church leaders? td, that’s your homegirl!! have any of them made a trip out to the house in duluth or wherever he’s hiding to give ol’ boy some good old fashioned wood (sorry, that’s the only way that i know dudes discipline each other…i really need to step away from greek life *sigh*) ? why is it that the women have to be the ones to lead an outcry?
why should we beg our men to lead the charge? i’m tired of feeling like we have to head our own households, take care of each other and all that other girl power stuff. when are the men going to lead? or are they too busy worrying about the next falcons game w/o vick? grr….i just had to get that off of my chest. i’m nursing a cold, so i’m going back to bed now. hmph.
i find that men seem to have this thing about not throwing salt in some other dudes’ game - except it’s not just game, it’s just about anything they do. it’s probably not the worst attitude to take most times, seeing as how many men, especially black men with no daddies, are not trying to have somebody telling them what to do or what not to do. we are living in a society where a man is his only boss (unless someone is signing his paychecks, and even then many men bend reluctantly). so it’s like this: “if it’s not affecting me and my mines, i’m minding my own business.” that’s why 13 year olds can run communities instead of the other way around. that’s why men can beat their wives and blame the devil in the pulpit the next sunday.
Comment by glory — August 29, 2007 @ 12:57 am
That’s a good damm question and so far I haven’t seen any of the men who blog touching this topic either. Mike Vick is all up and down the men blog world but so far no Juanita and her situation.
Comment by Honest — August 29, 2007 @ 5:34 am
GREAT POST chica! It made me think though….not just THIS issue but how often do we see men address ANY issue that they consider “a woman’s problem”? I think most men view domestic violence as something that only affects women; not considering that there are at least 2 people involved. Also, we always focus on helping the victim in a situation and never consider the impact we could have on the person doing the harm.
Comment by Diva (in Demand) — August 29, 2007 @ 9:56 am
Great post, especially since ya haven’t blogged in 20 centuries, but I just might let ya slide *hmmph*
Women rally around each other based on emotions, while men do so based on personal impact. That’s just how they are (doesn’t make it right). A friend of a friend of a friend went through an abusive relationship, and when I heard the story I almost cried and I wanted to do something. I told some of my guy friends and they pretty much said “mind your business.” It’s a shame that they wait for something to hit them personally before taking action. regarding the whole Juanita issue, I am a little ticked off (read Lessons from the parking lot) that everyone is asking to pray for her and all that. I think the man needs some spiritual help too, like most men today. My father was abusive towards my mother, and while I was hurting for my mom, I was hurting for my dad too because something was/is definitely wrong with the man, and because we all tend to focus on the woman in situations like these, we forget the men.
Oh, and ROTFLOL at nomorecomfortersinthemeantimepleaseholdmymulewhileimbeingloose
Comment by Heartdrops — August 29, 2007 @ 10:09 am
You kinda said it yourself in a sense by mentioning how your boy would get all in a tizzy if something happened to you or one of the females in his family. I’ve talked with some Bruhs about it and they thought what the bishop did was some punk shit, but they didn’t dwell on it. It’s like if it’s not touching close to home with them, most of them feel unaffected.
Comment by Nikki — August 31, 2007 @ 11:32 am
First, I’m glad to see some y’all are still checking in on me every now and then. I didn’t expect any responses to this post since I’d been ghost for so long!!
On to the topic: Everyone has made some very interesting points and given me food for thought. I’ve calmed down - a little bit, but I’m still really disappointed.
The one thing that’s come out of this, at least for me, is to try to think of some way to get the men in our community involved in the fight against domestic abuse.
Anybody have any suggestions?
Comment by BELOVED — August 31, 2007 @ 11:07 pm
beloved, i’m sorry that we didn’t come up with anything. i’m just seeing your question, and i’ve got nothing for you. i don’t know how to motivate men to do something. trust me, if i did, i’d be shouting the solutions from the rooftops. they don’t communicate the same way we do, and apparently they don’t want to be exhorted by any women. perhaps an nphc joint initiative program could help in local chapters…(half-hearted smirk, since i’m not a big fan of the nphc’s efficacy)
Comment by glory — September 5, 2007 @ 1:27 pm
I can’t be the voice for all of the brothers, but I will be for some. As I’ve blogged about before, I have witnessed domestic violence in all of it’s vile incarnations. My father, the Sr. Alexis decided to handle matters with his hands with my mother once and she let him know that she wasn’t the one. While the fight was one-sided, dude still knew he was in a fight. In fact, you know how someone sees another person all beat up and bloodied, and they say, “you should see the other guy?” Well, that was my mom saying that.
My father KNEW he got out alive by the grace of God. Anyway, I’ve been big on dropping some mental gems on punkass men putting their hands on a woman. I’ve spoken out about it, time and again. At times, to some of the fellas’s chagrin, and at other times leading the charge with my brothers in arms behind me and to my side. I wanted OJ hung just because he put his hands on Nicole. I think that alone, made me feel he was guilty without the other facts being presented. After all, if you’re not guilty, why would you need to run?
The way I saw it, the anger that man displayed (or what was played for us on the 911 audio tapes) indicated to me that was a man who was used to hitting that woman. No way anger like that doesn’t find an outlet of some kind.
My brother, when he was a beat cop said he hated the domestic violence calls. Reason being, sometimes it was hard to verify if a crime had even happened because both combatants weren’t marked up.
But now, if they do come out, someone has to go to jail. No questions asked. He and his partner would go to the house or domecile, the woman was the one who usually placed the call and by the time he’d get there, the woman would say, well he was playing rough and it got out of control. Or he’s okay now and he’s said he’s sorry. Or one time, he and his partner began dragging the sorry excuse for a man off to jail and his lady jumped on him and was attacking the officers. The very same men that she called to protect her from her husband!
My boy and I stepped in to stop a beatdown from a dude on HIS woman one time in the streets! Do you know what happened next? The sista got up off of the floor, battered, tattered and bloodied up and told my boy and I to mind our fucking business! It had nothing to do with us.
My boy was livid. I shook it off and told her you can do better sista. So, where’s all of this going? All of this to say, please be wary of the way some blanket statements are so casually thrown about men who don’t speak out about this atrocity. There are men, much like myself who do care. I care enough to know that it’s not an option to place my hands on a woman. I’ve never done it, and will not do it. There are men who have witnessed their mothers, their sisters (I know of one of mine who’s gone through this too) and some other woman close to them get hit, slugged, beat down, hell even KILLED at the hands of a man who’s supposedly in love or claims to love her.
One of my friends to this day, suffers from agoraphobia because she was beaten so bad, and within an inch of her life, that just the thought of going out doors conjures up frightful memories of the day she was assaulted by the dude who “loved her.” Don’t you know she absolutely broke my heart when she told me that they still speak and our friends. And this is her ex-husband.
Seems to me I’m speaking out of my mouth for no reason at all. And anyone who knows me well, definitely knows this. 2 things in this world shake me to my core and make me bring the real Frank Alexis Jr. out. One is men who don’t take care of their children and the other is domestic violence. That punk ass, whatever his name is stood in front of a congregation last weekend and told that audience that the devil made him do it. He’d know because he was the devil when he put his hands on that woman that evening.
And by Bynum’s own account, NOT the first time he’s done it. There are women I’ve spoken to and I’ve asked them, “why do you let that man put his hands on you that way?” A very close friend of mine, and we still very close to this day said, “maybe sometimes I give him reason for him to hit me.” See that? Where do I go from there?
This is the mentality of some women who have been physically abused. They actually believe that shit. Now imagine, if I’m hearing this, how many other men, good men are hearing it too when they pose this question to a woman going through this?
Why didn’t Bynum leave after the first time he hit her? By staying, didn’t she inadvertently allow this fool to think that’s the way I’ll deal with her from now on. That she self-inflicted this perpetuated method of dealing with shit with this wife THIS WAY? Not with his voice or by conversation, but with his hands. Sadly, she would become the beggar of her own demise wouldn’t you say?
Maybe not everyone is my mother and God knows it’s difficult to just pick up and leave. After good ol’ dad put his hands on her, she packed herself up and 4 kids and broke the fuck out of dodge. In the 70’s??? In Brooklyn? Do you know how unforgiving life was for a woman in the 60’s and 70’s? A black woman at that? And she took 4 of us and stepped off. Right now, every 6 seconds, there is a domestic abuse incident happening somewhere in our country. In the time it took me to post this comment, 20 or so women will have experienced some form of violence against her from a significant other, husband or whatever. And tomorrow she will STILL be with that low life. So tell me and the men of the world like myself. Who do we speak to about this when most of what we have said, has already fallen on deaf ears. And it’s usually the ears of the battered woman herself.
I’d gladly lead the charge myself, but with a handful of guys ready to support the movement, and that number should be in the millions, hell.. it would be nice for someone to make a move themselves. They don’t have to stand tall… but ladies, you ave to stand up.
Sorry to blog in your blog sis. My apologies. * ~ Frank
Comment by Luke Cage — September 7, 2007 @ 12:50 pm
I know how you feel. I’ve been where you’ve described being in my own past relational experiences. I was outraged inwardly and outwardly about it. Thanks for being so transparent about why this too had an effect on your psyche. And by the way, I can relate to the whole “give ‘em wood” frame of thinking, but have finally grown to the “five-folded-fisted-finger ministry.” Jakes could have easily led a “Get ready. Get Ready. Get ready” conference on his punk ass!
Comment by Pro — September 10, 2007 @ 8:36 am
Could it be that they don’t know how?? Or that they honestly JUST DON’T CARE?? Or is it that they know they have abused on some level (maybe not physical) and can’t look bad on a man for doing something they either have done or felt like doing?? You know DC is small and I’ve had the misfortune to find out a few dudes I know beat their women. So then I wouldn’t expect them to evuh step up when anther man is doing exactly what they have done before.
Comment by Hostess — September 12, 2007 @ 8:13 pm
I just read your post and I agree with you. My dad as a matter of fact, all of the men in my family have always told me only a man can confront another man and let him know CLEARLY where the line is in the sand. The men who come out and say things, speak up thanks. Unfortunately, too many men - including sadly pastors, do not speak up. Too many men do not understand that it is their job to say loudly and forcefully, in the way only they can that this is NOT acceptable and we will not put up with it. I have heard of what happened with Luke Cage from several guys, and I know that it confuses them or makes them not want to get involved, but from this woman - and I dare say many women who read this post - Thank You for stepping in, for taking a stand and not watching that kind of abuse continue with women.
Comment by Nikita — September 13, 2007 @ 2:21 pm